Having a Hell of a Time
Here is Brandon Finley's story, our 2024 first place fiction winner in the Boar's Tusk 2023/2024 journal. For more information about Boar's Tusk, click here.
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William lay in his cot awake but held his eyes closed as rays of the morning sun broke through the cracks of the boarded-up windows. He just wanted some more sleep after a long restless night. Then he heard boots marching across concrete and knew what was coming next.
“Wake up ladies, it’s go time.” Travis bellowed out like some kind of drill sergeant.
“Shut the fuck up Travis!” William whispered harshly while sitting up and swinging his feet over onto the floor, “you know those bastards get all riled up from loud noises.” William couldn’t believe this asshole didn’t understand this by now.
“It doesn’t matter, in an hour they’ll be dead, and we’ll be long gone.” Travis stated confidently as he grabbed his gear off the work bench.
They’re already dead dipshit, William thought to himself as he slipped on his socks and shoes. Someone behind him flipped the lights on and the room lit up with fluorescent lighting.
Without looking he knew it was Andre, because Andre always wanted sleep by the door for some damn reason.
“Hell yeah sarge! We gonna kick some ass today!” He heard Andre say from behind him.
Just another dumbass comment from another over-confident meathead thought William as he prepared for what was usually the best part of his day. He watched as Alexa climbed out of her sleeping bag, grabbed her pants, and stood up to pull them on. She always went to bed wearing nothing but a T-shirt and panties, and he liked to get a look at her nice firm body while she dressed. Him and Alexa had grown up together in Denver and he always had thing for her, but even now, smack dab in the middle of a zombie apocalypse she still wouldn’t let him out of the friend zone.
“You ready partner?” she asked him while buttoning up her pants. “I am now.” He said standing up to meet her eye to eye.
She smiled devilishly at him while pulling her long red hair up into a ponytail. “You better be. Can’t let this little thing distract you.” She said as she slapped him right in the nuts with the back of her hand and laughed as she walked to get her things off the work bench by Travis. He flinched back, but she caught him just enough so that hurt a little. He laughed and gave her the, I’ll get you back look, as she walked away.
William walked over to the work bench where they kept most of their weapons and equipment. “Look Travis, I don’t think this is a good idea. We shouldn’t just be running out there with a hoard of those bastards just outside the door.”
“We really don’t have a choice Will. We’re out of water and there are more deadheads inside the school than out.” Travis was loading the shotgun as he spoke to him. “Andre, you get the shotgun today.” Travis added while tossing the pump action to Andre who was still over by the door.
William could hear the undead shuffling around in the hallway outside the door behind Andre. They were fairly mellow so far this morning considering the noise that was being made in here. “I realize we need to leave but what if we all tried to, actually be quiet and still for a day. Maybe they would start to disperse and go after other prey?”
“You sound like a giant pussy!” Andre said and to emphasize his insult he pumped a round into the shotgun he was now holding.
William looked around the woodshop and at each of his companions before saying anything after the insult. “Alright fine, let’s do it. But I get the .270 and the .45.” He finally said while grabbing for the rifle and the pistol. Both of which they had the most ammunition for.
“That’s the spirit soldier!” Travis said, handing him the extra mags for the .45. “Hey Lucas, grab that map and come over here.”
William looked across the other side of the room towards where Lucas was standing, with his huge glasses on and in his sweatpants and slip-on shoes. He had a knife taped to the top of each shoe. William smiled to himself at the sight of that. Lucas was ready to go and hurried over, trying to unfold the map along the way, but making little headway in the process.
They all gathered around the workbench and laughed to each other at the sight of Lucas fumbling around with the map. Watching and laughing as Lucas tried to use hands and fingers was something they all came to enjoy after being cooped up together the last few months.
“Alright, alright that’s enough.” Travis interjected, taking the map from Lucas but even he couldn’t hide the amusement on his face. “Here we are at the high school.” Travis said pointing to the map. “This is the route we will be taking towards the river for fresh water” he traced the route with his finger as he talked “and then after we cross the bridge, we head west through town, get on the interstate, and make our way to the coast. Questions?” Travis looked around the group for a response.
“Yeah. Let’s kick some ass!” Andre said and again he pumped the shot gun to add emphasis. This time a shell flipped out and hit Wiliam in the face.
“What the fuck are you doing man?” William couldn’t believe this freaking idiot. “Whatever I want”. Andre said and again pumped another shell out of his gun.
“For one, you dipshit, that wasn’t even a question, and two this isn’t some dumbass action movie, quit pumping that shotgun after saying some ridiculous one-liner!”
“Fuck you! I’ll show you dumbass, dumbass!” Andre yelled with yet another shell flying from his shotgun.
“Hey, enough!” Travis stated pointedly at William. “Let’s take it out on the Zombies, huh?”
William couldn’t believe the stupidity on display right now. He was glad that Travis stepped in though, because Andre was as big as he was dumb. He looked around as everyone grabbed the rest of their gear in silence and as he looked at Alexa, she gave him the same soft, warm smile he had become used to getting from her. He smiled back, but a twinge of sadness crept through him as he did, so he looked away instead.
“So where are we going to meet up if we get separated?” Lucas looked at the map as he asked Travis.
“There is this set of houses right up here to the west of the school.” Travis pointed to some marks on the map. “Let’s meet up here at the end of the block.” He moved his finger just a bit from where it was.
“Alright, sounds like a good plan.” Lucas said approvingly.
No, it doesn’t, William thought to himself. Lucas was just a kiss ass and always agreed with whatever Travis said.
“Alexa, pry the wood off the door. Andre, get ready to lead us out.” Travis directed while he readied the rifle that hung from his shoulder.
Alexa used a crowbar to pry the wooden barrier from the door jam. The doors were solid, and you needed a key to open them from the outside, but they put the extra barrier up just in case. With a couple pulls on the bar and some loud pops the barrier fell to the floor.
“Time to die bitches!” Andre yelled as he once again pumped the shotgun and charged the door. Another fully loaded shell hit the floor.
Timeout, timeout, let’s pause this for a minute or two. I want to say something to you really quick, yeah you, with the eyes and face, the one reading this crappy little story. It’s me Willaim and I’m gonna break the third wall, or is it the fourth wall, shit, I don’t know. Anyway, we’re going Deadpool with shit for a minute so I can explain to you why I’m going to do what I’m about to do. Because I know you’re all going to be all judgy and hateful towards me and I just wanted to at least let you know my reasoning.
Well first of all, let’s give you a quick rundown of how we all got here in the first place. About six months ago a nasty virus was spread primarily through dairy products, and then from person to person. The infected person would get really sick, like puking and shitting your pants sick, and within a few days the virus would spread to the brain killing the person. Seconds after dying, the infected person would come back and start attacking and eating any unaffected person or animal within sight. Of course, it all started in Florida so those of us in Denver and the rest of the world didn’t think anything of it at first. Then it started to spread, fast, like, really fast. Within two weeks it had affected half the country, and another two weeks, the world. The last T.V broadcast we saw was a sickly Kamala Harris explaining to what was left of the world that President Biden was dead, and she had taken control. Then she introduced Bill Gates so he could explain what was happening and what to do next, yeah, I know right, Bill fucking Gates!
Anyway, he blabbed on about the virus and how the dead coming back was just misinformation from the meat eaters. Then out of nowhere, a now dead Kamala tackled him and started ripping him apart. That’s right, the last T.V broadcasted was Kamala gnawing on Bill Gates’ tofu titties.
Only those of us immune to the virus had a chance to survive. Unlike in the movies the zombies can’t create other zombies by biting them or scratching them. Shit, I’ve been bit like eight times since Alexa and I left Denver. Another thing about these dead bastards is they aren’t slow like in some of the shows. You know the one where some hick in a cowboy hat kills twenty zombies at the same time with a screwdriver, yeah not that. But also, not really fast either, I’d say they’re like medium-fast zombies, like a fast jog. Once the virus hit Denver, Alexa and I already had our shit ready to go because we knew once it got there, it would spread fast. Luckily, we were both immune to the virus and survived getting sick, now we just needed to survive the zombies. We headed for Wyoming because it’s low population, I mean nobody in their right mind wants to live in Wyoming, right? We joined a group of eight people that included Lucas at a truck stop in Laramie. Headed west on the interstate until we hit an impasse at some tunnels that were packed full of vehicles. Travis and Andre found us as we were going through the town below to get around the tunnels. Travis set up a good base for survivors at the local high school and had plenty of water and food to share. With the ten of us joining them at the school there were about fifty of us altogether. Everything was good until about a week ago when some asshole left a door open and the dead rushed in killing all but the five of us, but now they have us trapped in the shop class. There is a water cooler here but no bottles of water for it. So now we are dehydrated and need to get out of here.
So back to why I paused this thing in the first place. Look, I know we need to escape but look at what I’m dealing with in this group. Do I need to tell you anymore about how freaking stupid Andre is? He is your stereotypical meathead football player. All we’ve heard about all weak is how he played for Utah, almost went pro and met Peyton Manning when he tried out for the broncos. This guy has the education of a fifth grader so I’m guessing there’s some coaches out there who handled all his academics. He’s 6’ 5”, and 260 pounds of dumbass.
Then there’s Lucas, that limp wristed fool isn’t good for anything. No! I don’t mean that in a homophobic way either, so put down your torches and pitchforks. The guy is literally limp wristed. Check this out. Right before the shit hit the fan, Lucas was down in Laramie getting surgery for his carpel tunnel, and halfway through the surgery some sick nurse in the O.R went full zombie and ate the tendons in both his wrists before they could stop her. So, for the most part he really can’t use his hands and walks around like a wimpy T-rex. He started learning how to fight with his feet to make up for it and is getting pretty good too. We all love to watch him try to open a jar or use a can opener and laugh our asses off. Last time he got really pissed and ran around side kicking all of our stuff, it was fucking hilarious.
Then there’s Sergeant Travis McCormick from Salt Lake City. I don’t know if he was a sergeant, I don’t even know what branch he served in. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep during his origin story. He’s not a bad guy really, good fighter and a pretty good leader. His only fault is that he trusts people too much and doesn’t call people out on their bullshit.
Lastly there is my childhood friend Alexa. I’ve known her my whole life and she’s been a good friend. So full disclosure, she’s a lesbian and that’s why I’ve been friended for so long. But hey I didn’t know that when I first started crushing on her in middle school, okay. She’s not a bad partner to have in the apocalypse but you wouldn’t believe how clumsy she is. I have never seen someone work out so much and still be so accident prone. I’ve seen her literally trip over nothing at least a hundred times. But to be honest I’m not doing what I’m doing to her because she’s clumsy. About a month before everything went down, we went clubbing in downtown Denver. It was a good night; we did some dancing, and we even met some ladies that joined us for a while. As the night went on, I invited them all back to my place for drinks and they accepted. After about an hour the girls we invited over went out on my apartment balcony to make a tic-tok or some shit and Alexa, sitting next me on the sofa, leaned into me and said, “Dibs.”
I asked, “On which one?”
“Both” she said leaning back.
I laughed because I thought for sure she was joking. Well anyway, the next morning I came out of my room for some coffee and the three of them were still going at it on my sofa. I know, all the guys out there are like, “dude, why didn’t you just watch?” For one, just because two women, or three in this case, get intimate with each other doesn’t mean it’s an invitation for guys to watch and get off on it okay. And two, I really tried guys, I really did, but they just got creeped out and kind of pissed off, so I just went to bed. I tell you that story because I’m not very attractive, like a five, maybe a six in the apocalypse and I don’t want to come across some wildly hot chick with the end of the world excuse going for me, only to have Alexa ruin it for me with her sexiness and crazy ability to convert straight women. Alright this one might just be a dick move, I admit it, and yes, I feel you judging me and hating me already. But I just wanted you to know I had my reasons, even if they are shitty. Alright back to story.
William watched as Andre slammed into the door, throwing it wide open and launching a little girl about eight feet backwards across the concrete. Andre pointed the shotgun to his left and pulled the trigger, click. It was empty, that fucking idiot ejected all his shells trying to look cool. Alexa followed with her pistol shooting and running to the right. Lucas and Travis both went out the door together with Travis shooting and Lucas kicking anything that moved. William rushed to the door, grabbed the handle and slammed it shut, safely on the inside. He could hear gunshots and yelling outside but couldn’t see anything, so he jumped up on the workbench where one of the windows was boarded up and he looked out between the cracks.
Andre was bleeding all over and was tossing dead people around like a maniac, he really was one tough bastard. Travis was the first to drop when two biters tackled him from behind, then he was swarmed. Alexa took off running when she saw an opening past Andre as he was taken down by a dozen or more teenage zombies wearing football lettermen jackets. She was really moving too. He saw a big fat ass zombie wearing only underwear chase after her.
“Holy shit, she just might ma………ohhhhhhhh damn” He watched as Alexa tripped over her own feet and slid about six feet face first across the asphalt. She was getting up though, she just might make it he thought as she stumbled forward and tried to get running again.
“Go Alexa, go!” He yelled out the window. Just then she was tackled and brought down hard by the fat ass in his underwear. He couldn’t see Alexa under him, but he was pretty sure her face was getting eaten.
Time out. See guys, that’s the difference between medium speed and medium-fast speed, and that fat fuck was giving it 110%. Time in.
Lucas was trying to get into a truck across the parking lot but couldn’t open the door. William chuckled a bit to himself, damn it’s still funny he thought. Two old looking zombies attacked Lucas ripping and biting at him. The last William saw of Lucas after he fell was his
chewed off hand still holding onto the door handle. I’ll be damned William thought, he held on to something.
William jumped down from the workbench, feeling a little sick to his stomach, and really thirsty. He walked over to a set of lockers by where his cot was and opened one up. He moved a pile of rags to uncover the five-gallon water jug he had hidden in there, grabbed it, walked over to the cooler, and tipped the jug over onto it. He grabbed his canteen, filled it up and took a nice long pull of the cool water.
